by Randy Ooney      past articles

Tvas da night before Crissmus and all tru da home

  I vas not doin nuttin, so I wrot dis poem

Mama had her crossword, Da dog had his bone,

  And the shildren played laser tag down at da Zone.

I finished my ice cream, ve yust had vanilla,

  And hoped dat St. Nick would bring me a Hawgzilla.

So I hitched up my undies, and pyut on my cap,

  And yust settled back for a short Crissmus nap.

Ven over at On Track arose such a noise

  I tought dat a bat had bit vun of da boys!

Avay to da Midway I flew in my van

  I tripped down the stairs and fell flat on my can.

Da bat vas escaping, he flew down da hall,

  Ven Santana Claus nailed him vit a fastball.

“Tvas nutting”, he said as he saw thankful tears,

  “I’ve been hitting bats vit fastballs for years”

Den I spied over near lane seventeen,

  A plump yolly fat man in suit red and green

Da smoke from his pipe hovered up in a cloud,

  I said “Hey, put dat out, No smoking allowed!”

So he gathered his boots and his bottle of beer,

  And smiled at me and said “Be of good sheer”.

Da big guy den crouched down on one knee,

  And left a few presents under da tree.

For Al, a left handed emoticon thing,

  And for me, vhat I vanted, a hundred post ring.

For GA who works hard to drill every hole,

  All that was left was a big lump of coal.

Den in a flash the man rose to his toes,

  Up da stairs and outta da door he goes.

He hopped in is sleigh vit a sack full of beer

  And whooped and hollered at his team of deer.

“Now Agent, now T-Bolt, Inferno and Wizard.

  On Widow, on Big One, on Road Hawg, …On Wisconsin!”

The team headed Nort on da vay to Fargo,

  (Dey had to fly over da river, don’tcha know.)

But I heard him yell out as da vind was a-howling,

  Happy Crissmus to all who read mnbowling.

One of the joys at Christmas for baby boomers is remembering Clellan Card who portrayed Axel Torgeson in the treehouse back in the fifties and early sixties.  Axel showed two reelers of Laurel and Hardy and Our Gang Comedies in between verbal exchanges with his dog Towser and cat Tallulah.  Every Christmas Eve he would appear in a long night shirt, and sitting in a rocking chair would read his version of the ageless poem, “Twas the Night before Christmas”, using his Scandanavian brogue.  I still smile when I think of the line:

“No von vas making no noises, not even a mouse…

    And not even Tallulah’s brudder in law, and he’s a rat.”

So, for those of you too young to remember his talent, and even for those who do, I’ve offered this parody as a tribute to Clellan Card, and a Merry Christmas wish to all my friends at mnbowling.com.